If you’ve watched any R-rated rom-com in existence — think: “Friends with Benefits,” “No Strings Attached,” “Long Shot” — you’ve seen a (reenactment of a) simultaneous orgasm.
But are simultaneous orgasms something that can happen during IRL romps, too? Read on to find out.
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What is it?
“Simultaneous orgasms are when you and someone you’re having sex with orgasms exactly at the same time — or within moments of one another,” says sex educator and dildo slinger Dirty Lola, producer and host of “Sex Ed A Go-Go” and co-host of The Cut’s “Sex Probz” web series.
Sometimes people confuse this with blended orgasms, which is when an orgasm from two separate hot spots occurs at the same time (Think: clitoral orgasm + anal orgasm or nipple orgasm + prostate orgasm).
But blended orgasm ≠ simultaneous orgasm.
“A blended orgasm is something that can occur during masturbation,” explains Dirty Lola. “You don’t need a partner to experience it.”
A simultaneous orgasm requires at least one additional partner.
For the sake of clarity: Here, we’re talking about climaxing at the same time as your partner.
What’s the big deal?
“Honestly, it’s pretty spectacular to be that in sync with and feel that connected to your partner,” says Dirty Lola.
According to Carly S., founder of Dildo or Dildont, a sex toy master and pleasure specialist, it can be simultaneously physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually exciting.
How likely is it?
Good question. Given how tricky it is to get funding for studies about orgasms (side eye patriarchy), at the time of publishing, there isn’t any official research showing how many duos can achieve this.
One small, very straight survey conducted in 2017 by the sex toy company Lovehoney found that:
- 89 percent of couples have orgasmed at the same time
- 37 percent do more than half of the time
However, some research shows that up to 95 percentTrusted Source of vulva owners can/do/will orgasm at some point in their life, and up to 99 percent of penis owners can/do/will the same.
This means that the percentage of couples who CAN achieve simultaneous orgasm is likely higher — no matter your or your partner’s sex, gender, or orientation.
Is there anything you can try?
If you’re reading this — especially if your partner sent you this article — chances are you want to maximize your chances of coming in tandem. These tips can help.
Masturbate
Babes, if you don’t know what you need to orgasm, how the heck are you going to:
- Make yourself orgasm
- Help your partner(s) bring you to orgasm
- Time that orgasm with your partner(s)
Spoiler alert: You’re not!
So if you’re reading this and don’t know how to bring yourself to orgasm, it’s time for some self-exploration.
And if you’re reading this and you know your partner doesn’t know what pleases them, encourage them to explore their body without you there.
Better yet: Try mutual masturbation
Mutual masturbation involves touching yourself while your partner touches you within your view.
Carly S. says this is one of the best ways to learn what your partner needs to climax because “you get to watch and learn.”
De-center penetrative intercourse
“Most vulva owners can’t orgasm from penetrative sex,” says Carly S.
So if you or your partner have a vulva, she suggests moving away from penetration and leaning into other sex acts.
You might try:
- Cunnilingus
- Analingus
- Manual stimulation
- Kissing
- Humping
- Grinding
- Groping
Bring in a pleasure product
“If a toy would help you stimulate the parts of your body you need to have stimulated to orgasm, bring them in,” says Carly S.
For vulva owners, she recommends G-spot vibrators and wands, both of which typically have longer handles, which makes it easier to fit between bodies.
For example:
- Fun Factory Stronic G
- Le Wand Petite
- Dame Arc
- Magic Wand Plus
And for all folks, she recommends a butt plug. “The booty hole is the universal pleasure zone that can feel good when plugged up.”
Use lube
“Even though we may naturally produce some lubricant, it typically isn’t enough to reduce the amount of friction that occurs during sex,” says Dirty Lola.
And friction, she says, “can mess the pleasure up and make the encounter painful and irritating.” In other words, buy some lube!
Sync your breath
“Syncing your breathing changes everything happening and makes it more spiritual, more connected,” says Carly S.
“Once you do that, you’re more on the same wavelength, which can make orgasming together more achievable,” she adds.
If you and your partner are into this idea, check out tantra expert Barbara Carrellas’s book “Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex For The Twenty-First Century.”
Communicate, communicate, communicate
This is THE most important tip for simultaneous orgasm.
As Dirty Lola says, “If you’re not able to communicate what you need to orgasm and when you’re close, timing your orgasms so that they happen at the same time is going to be impossible.”
Countdown
“I’m not kidding,” says Carly S. “Sometimes to time the orgasms, you’re going to have to count down.”
That may sound, eh, not so hot. But, she says, “I promise it doesn’t make it a less steamy experience. Afterward, you’ll still want to high-five each other.”
Does it have to be simultaneous?
Neither orgasm nor simultaneous orgasm is a must for sex to be a 10 out of 10 on the Pleasure Point scale.
As Dirty Lola puts it, “There are many ways to be in mutual ecstasy and enjoy each other’s bodies without orgasm or even simultaneous orgasm.”
That said, having orgasms during penetrative or non-penetrative sex is important if it’s important to the people having it.
If you and your boo fall into this camp, Dirty Lola urges you to remove the pressure to orgasm at the same time.
Instead, she suggests going after something known as the shared orgasm. A shared orgasm is when you both have an orgasm… just not necessarily at the same time.
How can you make sure a shared orgasm is enjoyable for all involved?
The aforementioned simultaneous orgasm advice is sound for shared orgasms, too. But here are some final tips to make your romp-a-thon everything.
Take the pressure off orgasm!
“Take the time to reframe what qualifies as good sex to you,” says Dirty Lola.
She suggests asking yourself:
- What is an orgasm to me?
- What do I need to get to a place where I can orgasm?
- Does that journey please me?
- What pleases me but doesn’t necessarily make me orgasm?
- If I’m not satisfied only doing the things that please me but don’t make me climax during sex, why not?
“These questions can help you de-program the pressure you’ve put on yourself to orgasm,” says Dirty Lola.
Add a sex wedge
A sex wedge like the Liberator Wedge is a foam pillow that’s intentionally designed to support you and your partner’s bodies during sex and help you find positions that are the most comfortable.
Let’s say you like being rimmed (and honestly, who doesn’t??). Propping a pillow beneath your hips will allow your partner to easily reach your anus while also maintaining eye contact with you.
Likewise, during a position like doggy style, a sex wedge can support the receiver’s body so that they don’t have to use their hands.
“Sex wedges are a great addition for folks whose endurance, strength, or abilities do not allow them to stay in the positions most pleasurable to them as long as they’d like,” says Carly S.
Don’t stop when one of you has finished
Unfortunately, it’s pretty damn common in relationships for the hanky-panky to stop altogether after only one person has jizzed.
It shouldn’t need to be said, but if you’re both hoping to experience orgasm and the other partner hasn’t, one person’s climax can’t be the end.
What can you do next? The partner who has already climaxed can:
- Hold their partner while they masturbate
- Use a toy on them
- Go down on them
- Use their hands
Or continue to have the same sex that you were having!
FYI: For people having P-in-V intercourse, if the person with the penis came, a harness (like the Deuce) and a dildo can allow that same intercourse to continue without waiting for the refractory period to end.
The bottom line
For sex mates who already know what the other needs to climax, simultaneous orgasms can be a fun thing to explore together.
But for lovers who are still learning their own or their boo’s body, let’s make simultaneous and shared pleasure the goal, not simultaneous orgasms.
Related Article: How to Orgasm Together: 5 Tips for Simultaneous Orgasm
